24 Lessons from 24 Years of Marriage
Mark and I are celebrating 24 years of marriage today, which makes no earthly sense. The data is not in our favor, being children of divorce ourselves. We overheard family members—at our wedding reception—taking bets for how long this thing would last.
The Lord has been so gracious, so undeservedly kind. He rescued us both, made us his own, and gave us to one another. I can say without hesitation we have a really good thing going and it’s because of the mercy and lavish kindness of our God. He’s given us mentors and forgiveness and ministry and senses of humor. I’m no marriage expert, but I have 24 years of experience to share with you.
Here’s 24 lessons from 24 years:
Marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ and the church. The implications of this are deep and varied. But a primary one is that marriage is meant to last. The love Christ has for the church is sacrificial and life-giving. The love the church has for Christ is rich with gratitude, committed, and eager to serve. We in the church are members of Christ’s body. No one should hate or harm his or her own body! We are meant to nourish and care for one another in marriage. (Ephesians 5)
Marriage is God’s idea. We are created in God’s image, which means we are communal, just as God is communal. It’s not good for us to be alone—all humans need community. Married humans become one flesh. What God has joined together, we should not separate. (Genesis 1-2, Matthew 19)
Marriage is for our holiness, more than it is for our happiness. Now hear me—marriage should make us happy! I am a fan of all married people doing all that we can to be happy in our marriages. But a higher goal than happiness exists: it’s holiness. Living with another human through daily highs and lows is hard. God uses marriage to reveal our selfishness to us, that we might die to ourselves and serve the other. Holiness, not happiness, is God’s goal for us. (Ephesians 5, 2 Corinthians 3)
Marriage is sacrificial. No one stays married for more than a few days without giving up their own preferences or laying down there own demands. Marriage is not a contract, kept while both parties are happy. It’s a covenant relationship, with both husband and wife laying themselves down for the other. (Philippians 2)
Marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100. It’s tempting to fall into a way of thinking and being that you says, “You give half and I’ll give half.” Here’s the problem with that: your half will always look bigger than your spouse’s. If you slip into subconsciously keeping score, your score will always be higher. Instead, give 100% even if you sense your spouse is giving less. This is sacrificial love. Love hard because Jesus deserves it, not your spouse. (Colossians 3:17, John 13:34-35)
Marriage is a blessing, but it’s not ultimate. Sometimes we get sidetracked in the church and believe those who are married have arrived, or are more mature, more sanctified. This is not so. Paul says singleness is good and to remain single if you can, as he was (1 Corinthian 7:6-8). Jesus—who was also single by the way—said singleness is a gift, if you’re able to receive it (Matthew 19:12). Marriage is a gift, but it’s not ultimate, nor a sign of maturity.
Husbands and wives makes terrible gods. It is tempting to look to one’s spouse for peace, comfort, security, self-worth, and identity. It’s natural to our flesh and within our cultural context to think our spouses can deliver everything to us that we need. But every spouse is finite and will fall. Even the best spouse will sin, fail, and disappoint. If you expect perfection from your spouse you will crush him or her. (Ezekiel 14:3)
Leave and cleave. Moses, Jesus, and Paul all point to the necessity of leaving one’s family and being united to a new spouse and starting a new family. In-laws are a blessing, but they can also prevent unity. It’s good to go all-in on forming new patterns of communication, budgeting, celebrating, and identifying as your own. (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Ephesians 5:31).
Be your spouse’s number one fan. Both in private and public elevate your spouse. Why not bless his or her name all the time? Words shape life—for better or for worse. (James 3)
Do what it takes to make sure your spouse thrives. Make a meal, do the laundry, work a second job, stay home while he or she goes out, file the taxes, wake up early—big or small, what can you do to ensure your spouse has a great day or year or career? I have to say, my husband does this so well. I wanted to start a podcast, he made it happen. I wanted to go back to seminary, he’s on board. He puts all kinds of resources into whatever I want to do! It’s a gift! (Romans 12)
We can probably let most things go. Per number 3 above—marriage makes you holy—it turns out that most things that bother most of us fall into the category of preferences. We can probably overlook most things that bother us: dishes on the counter, clothes on the floor, chewing ice at the table. These are not sin issues and it won’t kill us to look past them. (Proverbs 19:11)
Seek forgiveness first and fast. I am stubborn and prideful and loathe admitting I am wrong. But the reality is, I am often wrong. And even if I judge myself to be right in a given situation, chances are high that there is some attitude or posture worthy of an apology. Only Jesus is faultless. When I compare myself to my Savior I am quickly admonished and more willing to say I’m sorry. Letting distance grow just isn’t worth it. (1 John 1)
Bite your tongue and say your prayers. No one likes a spouse who nags. And yet, nagging can be so tempting—how will our spouses ever change if we don’t nag them!? Rather than nagging, what if we prayed? It’s okay to say to the Lord, “Father, come get your son/daughter. Do you see what he/she is doing?” There are times and places for confronting your spouse (with plenty of grace and self-reflection), but more often than not, asking the Lord to intervene will lead first to your own heart softening, which in turn leads to unity, and most likely the problem being resolved more quickly. Only God can change hearts—ask him to! (Ezekiel 36)
You’re on the same team. Every spouse has their idiosyncrasies, bad habits, and even sin patterns. It’s easy to believe that when they do something you don’t like it’s because they’re out to get you. They’ve purposefully left the dishes in the sink to spite you. When you take a deep breath and zoom out, it’s comical. But in the moment it feels like a vendetta! I remind myself often: you’re on the same team! He’s not out to get you. He is for you. That was a harmless mistake or a small misstep, which you are blowing up. Extend grace. (1 Corinthians 13)
Agree to disagree, but with oomph. Disagreements come. Hurt happens. It’s good and right to talk things out early and often. To extend grace and seek forgiveness. But there will be times when you and your spouse just do not see things the same way. Sometimes, you have to agree to disagree. It’s okay turn to the Lord and be honest, “Father, I don’t like this. I don’t see it the same way he/she does. But you are sovereign and you are good. I trust you to work through it and change us/the situation according to you will.” This is what I mean by “oomph”—the disagreeing doesn’t drive you and your spouse apart. You acknowledge the rift but you stay fiercely committed to each other, because you trust the Lord to work through it. (Romans 8)
Pray for each other and together. Prayer is an admission that you are not enough. It’s a surrender. Human effort alone will not build a thriving, lasting marriage. We all need God to intervene. Ask him to everyday. And pray together. Humility and vulnerability are required when you pray with another. These are good characteristics to pursue together. (James 5, Matthew 18, Colossians 4).
Life and rhythms change—be flexible. As soon as my family gets a good schedule in place, life changes and we have to regroup and reorganize. This will be true in marriage. Time for dating, talking late at night, sex, career needs, caregiving, cooking, sports, vacation—everything!—will fluctuate. Be agile, give grace. (Galatians 5:13-14).
Create and maintain a financial budget. Finances are one of the greatest areas of stress and arguments in marriage, so start marriage without debt if at all possible (Education debt is reasonable; credit card debt or overspending on your wedding are not reasonable—don’t do it!). Communicate about money frequently. Get on the same page. Keep track of every dime you spend. Give generously. As a word of encouragement and testimony: in our first days of marriage we had to visit the local free food market to get by. We’ve always maintained a very strict budget and have always given generously (beyond tithing) on a single ministry salary. It’s tough, but it’s doable, and it’s worth it! We use an app called Good Budget to document every dime. (1 Timothy 6, Hebrews 13, Proverbs 3:9).
Invite others in, especially when you have an impasse. In general, and in good times or bad, it’s wise to have a few couples in your life who you can be truly transparent with. Share your finances, your sin struggles, your embarrassing parenting woes with these friends. It’s helpful to have others’ godly perspectives on what happens in our homes. It’s also essential have these friends at the ready when you and your spouse come to an impasse. When we just could not see eye to eye and the disunity was paralyzing, the mediation of good and godly friends was immeasurably helpful. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
Write a mission statement, revisit it every year or so, and sift all decisions through it. This doesn’t have to be a major process or something that bogs you down. No need for polish. But what do you want to be about? In five decades what do you hope your marriage looks like? What do you hope you and your spouse will accomplish together? In ten years? One year? Next month? Agree on a mission statement and then sift all major decisions through it. Does this house/car/career/move help us fulfill our mission? (Ours is based on Romans 11:36.)
Talk, talk, talk. Maintaining unity is tough. It won’t happen automatically. Carve out time to talk every day. We have friends who schedule this because it doesn’t come naturally to them. Other friends keep a weekly date night and never miss. Others maintain a yearly marriage retreat. Whatever works for you, but unity is impossible without frequent communication.
Communicate with your own side of the family on behalf of you and your spouse. This might be the best pre-marital advice we ever got. When one set of parents or siblings invites you to dinner, or wants to make vacation plans, or is concerned about how you’re raising your kids, the spouse who belongs to those parents or siblings should do the talking. Here’s why: that family will always be loyal to that spouse, so if the communication is going to be tough, that spouse should do the talking. The goal here is for that spouse to protect or run interference for the other spouse. I wrote a whole article about this idea here.
Seek out mentors. Identify people in your community or church who are a decade or more ahead of you. Identify a few if you can! Invite them over. Ask them questions. Get their input on everything. Watching and learning from others who have gone before you is gold! (Titus 2)
Laugh a lot! I don’t have to tell you that life is often hard. Marriage and parenting and ministry and just living can be a grind. Find a way to put your woes and burdens in a box and seek to have fun when you can. Obviously some seasons are harder than others, and tragedy will likely strike at some point. But, if at all possible, make it a priority to leave your troubles behind for a night or an afternoon or a weekend or a week. And go have fun together. Leave the burdens and take up joy. The hard conversations can wait. Enjoy your spouse.
I’ll close with this: there’s so much more that could be said and what I’ve shared is imperfect. Run to the Lord. Lean on your church. The Word of God, the people of God, and the Spirit of God stand ready to help you. No marriage or human is beyond repair if you are in a dark place. We serve a resurrection God. He brings life from death. My marriage is a testimony to this truth. I am a grateful sinner and an underserving saint. All glory to God.
To another 24, if God allows!
PS: Here’s my very favorite marriage book: The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller